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You Before Me

I am someone who is very easily misunderstood. Maybe it’s the tone of my voice or the way I look/stare. This has led to people telling me that I am rude or angry when I have just been enthusiastic or eager. At first I was outright rebellious then as I grew older (but definitely not wiser) I started getting very conscious. I walked around like I carried the world on my shoulders. In effect I was the butterfly that flapped its wings at the wrong time to cause a hurricane at the other end of the world!

It has taken me 33 revolutions around the sun to get a grip and understand that it’s not always about me. In fact it never really is. A few weeks back I went to the dry cleaners, people I have known a long time and have always been cordial. But that particular day the man was not himself and was rude. My immediate thought process was as follows:

“Didn’t I greet him right? Did I say something wrong? Did I ignore him the last time we had a conversation? Is it because I am not a regular customer?” I mean I could go on but you get the gist. Then in my mind I started defending myself and blaming the world for the cruelty that is meted out to a perfectly good human being like me.

In reality however it was just that he was having a bad day. An argument with his wife, a financial situation, sickness in the family, I don’t know for sure and it isn’t important. What is relevant though is that it wasn’t because of anything I did, said or thought. I take myself way too seriously. Unnecessarily at that.

I believe the root of this self obsession comes from fear. Fear of what people think. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of people laughing at you. But if you really think about it who has the time to think about you when everyone is busy thinking about themselves!

Life is tough (even with all the fun, love, happiness and more) and sometimes it gets to you. Everyone has their fair (unfair) share of responsibilities, failures, heartbreak to handle. So if your friend is not responding to your msgs pick up the phone and call them If you feel someone is patronising just let them be for a while. Stop touching your face, taming your unruly hair or looking at the mirror for the nth time. Remember no one is looking and no one really cares.  

Believe you me nothing is more freeing. It makes it easier for you to forgive yourself. You will learn to be at peace with yourself. This gives you time instead to be nice, help someone out, appreciate a good gesture and be the better person. Not for someone else but for yourself. 

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